Adulthood na scam indeed.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately. Okay, I think a lot every time, but sometimes more than others. I could say this is one of those times.

So many things have happened/are happening to me, and it's like my own life is leaving me behind. I've had to make decisions and plans that, yet again, remind me that I'm getting older. I guess I could call myself an adult now. Lol, let's just stick with young adult for now.

So, as I said, so many things are happening and I feel left behind. Sometimes I wonder why I don't even have any more time for myself. I try, ngl, I really try to live in the moment and just be, for a couple of reasons:

1. Life is not that deep.

2. I seriously am avoiding burnout—which I think I already have—which is probably why I haven't updated my portfolio with another banging article, or my beautiful blog with another post.

3. I’m seriously avoiding a breakdown. It's too close to home these days, and I kid you not. Breakdowns are the worst.

Whew! That aside, I think I've gotten where this is going.

So I saw someone some days back, or I saw some people, and apparently, that was the first time they saw me since I cut my hair again.

Okay, a little backstory. I cut my hair in June, this year, 2022. The last time I did that was June 2019, and it's safe to say, it was more of a hit then than it is now. Calm down, I don't mean what you think.

You see, at that time, I was younger and richer lmao. Now, sapa is dealing with me, and mental stress is accumulating. I’m still maintaining beauty sha.

That is not the point, though. It has never been my point to cut my hair or do anything to myself based on how well it looks on me or whatnot. So yeah, I cut my hair again and my reasons now are even more plausible than then. I only wanted to try something new in 2019, and it worked well. 

This year, though, I didn’t cut my hair because of something new. I did it for a whole lot of reasons, most especially because I prioritize my peace of mind, and fam, I kid you not when I say that my hair was making me mad. It was slowly eating up my peace of mind, and every minute I was wondering what to do to save my hair next, I was on Google browsing different remedies, and when I figured out that I had only one option, I decided to go for it. 

Yup, I cut my hair again, this time unapologetically, and I promise I can count the number of times I have put on a wig since then.

Okay, enough backstory.

So I saw this person/people and jokingly, they screamed. ''Grace! What happened? Why do you look this way?"

I promise you, I was just smiling and checking the mirror to see the different Grace that they saw.

The thing is, I cannot count the number of times I have seen this reaction on people’s faces just between June and August. And the questions as well. I have even gotten a “you have cut your beauty away!!!” so many times. Lmao. [Lowkey sha, I don sufa.]

I don’t let it bother me anymore. I said earlier that growing up is hard, and 90% of the time, my mind doesn’t even dwell in the present. I’m constantly thinking, strategizing, and working, and the time to simply be and enjoy my own space has become almost non-existent. Sad stuff.

That's not the point anyway. I seem to be really swerving off the point. I'm sorry if this is the first time you’re reading any of my blog posts. I'm just typing this as it comes, and my mind is wandering right now, lmao. I almost have to go up to remind myself where the post is going, so I won't jump into another topic.

So I was talking about something. Yes, but what of the remaining 10%?

If you haven’t guessed it already, I'll tell you. 

You know those moments when you are alone in your head and it’s just you and your thoughts, roaming and playing ball in your head? Yes, those moments. The ones where the insecurities you’ve bolted up begin to creep out? I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, so I won’t go any further.

Last night, it came. And as much of a 'positivity’ person that I am, we all know how it can be. I have a post up on body positivity and its struggles. You can read it here https://bit.ly/3PJ22kQ

And even though it's valid to feel that way sometimes—as long as you'll bounce back up—feeling that way can be very draining regardless.

The affirmations and everything begin to look like you're "impostering" yourself, lmao. So, it got to the point that I considered, like really really considered starting my hair again. 

Then, I asked myself, "for who?" Asking myself made me realize that I'd been focusing on the wrong thing. 

Again, I'm at the stage of my life where nothing matters above my peace of mind, as much of a struggle as this thing can be. 

It was left to me to choose to go back to something that I decided not to, or not. I don gba kamu that laslas, I’ll dread later on. But then hearing the same thing over and over drains you. And I started doubting my decision.

One thing I know is that if I go back to what I promised myself I'd stop just because of what everybody else but me has to say about myself, I might end up hating myself. 

At the same time, even though I'm at that point in my life where everything is confusing and everything is happening all at once, and I know it's taking things one day at a time that's saving my ass, I guess that's what I'll keep doing—taking things a day at a time. I do not have everything figured out yet, I'm not even close in fact.

What I do know, is that I'm still choosing me. I'm choosing my peace of mind because if I do not, who'd do that for me?

I'm writing this to you as much as I am to myself. Prioritize your peace of mind over anything else. No one lives your life for you, so do you. Have fun and be yourself. Live life to the fullest because life is too short. Too damn short to care what everyone else says about you.

At the end of the day, we'd all be fine. {I'm tempted to say, 'or not' but I'll skip that because I do hope we'll be fine.}

Signed, 

A tired human.

I'll write again soon, hopefully.

In the meantime, you can reach out to me here: https://mainstack.me/shadesofgrace

Xoxo.❤